The crux of good mental/emotional health is a quality known as “emotional resilience” – the ability to withstand and keep moving forward, chin up, in the face of disappointment, deprivation, prolonged frustration, crisis, setback, loss, and failure.

We want our children to become adults who can handle everything life has to offer—the good, the bad, and the ugly. We want to raise human beings who are capable of overcoming life’s challenges (even the really hard ones) with grace, dignity, fortitude, and resolve. We want our children to become strong, healthy, emotionally resilient adults.

The best way for children to become emotionally resilient adults is for them to become emotionally resilient children and the only way for them to do this is with practice—practice feeling uncomfortable emotions, practice accepting uncomfortable emotions, and practice moving through them to a place of resolve. As parents, it is our job to allow them to practice.
It can be painful to watch our children experience any kind of discomfort, emotional or otherwise, and so we often try to shelter them from such adverse feelings. We coddle, pamper, indulge and cocoon our children to prevent them from feeling anything “bad” or “sad.”

The irony is, when we prevent our children from feeling bad, we are denying them practice with uncomfortable feelings, which in turn deprives them of a chance at developing strong emotional resiliency.

The truth is that children are much more capable than they are typically given credit for.

Children are able to handle hard emotions, and with our support, the more they practice the easier it gets. When children are given the chance to practice, to experience for themselves the things that are hard or uncomfortable they develop the ability to feel uncomfortable emotions without falling to pieces:

• they develop the strength necessary to accept uncomfortable emotions and
• they develop the courage to move through them

Try This:

The next time your child is feeling bad, try not to fix it and make them feel better. Instead, just be there in empathy, maintain your connection, and model how to accept hard feelings.

It can help to give language to the feeling and situation by describing what you see, “When I told you it was time to leave the park and go home, I noticed you got really upset and angry. It looks like you would rather stay here and play then go home right now. It can be really hard to stop doing something that you love to do, especially when you are not ready to stop. It’s OK to feel upset and angry. It’s not OK to yell at me, or anyone else because of it. If we had more time I would love to stay and play. I know it can be really hard to leave, but right now it is time to go home and make a delicious dinner. We will come to the park again soon.”

You probably know that encouraging independence is a hallmark of Montessori education and parenting. The best way to teach our children to do things for themselves is to create supportive structures so that they can gradually depend on us less and less. You may be wondering exactly how to do this, and we are here to help! Try these seven handy tips to get started:

1. Allow your child to dress themselves.
As soon as they are ready, young children should physically dress themselves, even if it means allowing extra time for them to do so. Even toddlers can begin making choices in regards to their clothing. Start simple with your littlest ones. For example, you might ask if they would rather wear their yellow shirt or their pink shirt. Another option might be setting out five outfits for the school week and letting them pick which one they will wear on any particular morning. As children get older, it’s okay to give them general guidelines before stepping back and admiring their unique self-expression. You may let them know that pants are a must on a cold day, but be sure to respect their desire to pair zebra-print leggings with a plaid dress. Enjoy those adorable moments while allowing them to feel empowered by their own decision-making.

2. Teach your child skills they show interest in.
Does your child like to watch as you fix the fence and build shelves? Figure out a simple woodworking project you could do together, and let them learn how to measure, saw, and hammer nails. The same idea goes for crafts like knitting and sewing, outdoor activities like hiking and geocaching, electronics repair and computer programming, sports, and just about any other activity you can imagine. Their first interests will likely be based on what they observe at home, but eventually they will branch out and want to try learning more skills. As adults all we need to do is shed our preconceived notions of what young children are capable of; we are often surprised when they achieve much more than we expected!

3. Let them care for a living thing.
The simplest way to do this is to purchase a small, low-maintenance plant. Keep it on a sunny windowsill and teach your child how to water it. Some Montessori teachers use a clothespin method; whenever the plant needs watering, the adult places a clothespin on the rim of the pot as a signal to the child that they should water it. As kids get older, we can teach them to feel the soil itself for dryness.

Already have a pet at home? Find age-appropriate ways for your child to help out. They might assist with brushing, feeding, watering, or walking, depending on their age and the particular pet.

4. Include them in household chores.
All children, even toddlers, should help out around the house. This may actually make our jobs a little more challenging in the beginning, but the payoff will be well worth it. Start with something simple, like teaching your two-year-old to fold washcloths. Before you know it, your eight-year-old will be loading the dishwasher and your twelve-year-old will be mowing the lawn. Participating in family chores gives children a sense of purpose in their (home) community. If they start young, the concept of chores is not boring or tedious, it’s a meaningful way to contribute “like a grownup”.

5. Give them opportunities in the kitchen.
Making dinner? Baking for a holiday? Packing lunches for tomorrow? Get your kids involved. If they have already been attending a Montessori school, they may surprise you with their spreading, cutting, and mixing skills, as these are taught and practiced regularly in primary classrooms.

The act of preparing food for our families is an act of love. Teaching children how to do this not only gives them skills they will need to be self-sufficient one day but allows them to help give to their family members. The benefits are endless:
● Kids who cook learn a variety of math skills.
● A child is more likely to try new foods if they have helped prepare them.
● Cooking something challenging will impart a sense of pride and self-confidence.
● Cooking together is quality time spent together.
● Regular time in the kitchen may create happy memories.

6. Encourage bodily autonomy.
One critical and powerful mantra to repeat to your child early and often: “You are in charge of your body.” This means we don’t force them to hug their grandparents or accept kisses from a pushy aunt. This even means if they don’t feel like cuddling with us, their parents, they don’t have to.

Having the power of decision over one’s own body is an important lesson to teach, and extends to others as well. We teach our children that while they get to make their own bodily choices, everyone else does as well. A good time to bring this up is when they are perhaps playing too rough and you need a break. You can say, “I don’t want you to wrestle me right now, and it’s my body so I get to choose.”

7. Offer desirable choices.
This is where the all-important concept of freedom within limits comes in. Montessori, and giving children choice, doesn’t mean that children get to make all the decisions. It just means that we provide our children with a range of desirable options they get to pick from. Some examples:

● You need to get dressed and brush your teeth. Which would you like to do first?
● Would you like strawberry or grape jelly on your sandwich?
● Your room needs to be cleaned today. Would you like to start before or after lunch?
● Do you want to walk or skip to the car?

By giving choices within parameters, you can increase the chances of success for both you and your child. This gives kids safe boundaries within which they can practice doing things for themselves.

We hope this post has been helpful! If you have any questions or would like to observe how independence is encouraged in our classrooms, please schedule a tour today.

Maria Montessori based her entire educational philosophy on the idea that children developed through a series of four planes.  Each of these planes is easy to recognize and has clear, defining characteristics.  If we study and understand these stages, we can approach our interactions with children with a new perspective.

Learning about the planes of development isn’t just for Montessori educators.  Understanding your child’s development can help at home, too.

The First Plane: birth-6 years

During this stage children absorb everything like sponges.  They are, indeed, excellent examples if what Montessori called ‘The Absorbent Mind.’  This is a time in which we are able to utilize what Montessori called sensitive periods of learning.  While each child is different, there are typical patterns that emerge in regards to brain development and general readiness to learn particular skills.

During the first three years of this plane, all learning is done outside of the child’s conscious mind.  They learn by exploring their senses and interacting with their environment.  During the second half of the plane, from about 3-6 years, children enter the conscious stage of learning.  They learn by using their hands, and specialized materials in the Montessori classroom were developed with this consideration.

During this time, children have a wonderful sense of order.  They are methodical and can appreciate the many steps involved in practical life lessons in their classrooms.  The organization of the works on their classroom shelves is intentional, which appeals again to this sense of order.

The first plane is a time in which children proclaim, “I can do it myself”; it is a time of physical independence.

The Second Plane: 6-12 years

During the elementary years children begin to look outside themselves.  They suddenly develop a strong desire to form peer groups.  Previously, during the first plane, a child would be content to focus on their own work while sitting near others.  In the second plane, a child is compelled to actually work with their friends.  It is during this time that children are ready to learn about collaboration.

During the second plane there is a sudden and marked period of physical growth.  This may be a contributing factor to the observation that many children of this age seem to lack an awareness of their body, often bumping into things and knocking things over.  Children begin to lose their teeth around this time as well.  Their sense of order and neatness tend to fade a bit during this plane.

Throughout the second plane, children’s imaginations are ignited.  Since Montessori education is based in reality, we find ways to deliver real information to children through storytelling and other similar methods.  For example, when teaching children about the beginnings of our universe, Montessori schools use what is called a Great Lesson.  The first Great Lesson is a dramatic story, told to children with the use of props, experiments, and dramatics (think: a black balloon filled with glitter is popped to illustrate the Big Bang, with bits of paper in a dish of water used while talking about particles gathering together).  This lesson is fascinating for children in the way it is presented, but gives them basic information about the solar system, states of matter, and other important concepts.

Children in the second plane have a voracious appetite for information, and are often drawn strongly to what we in Montessori call the cultural subjects: science, history, and geography.  While we support their rapid language and mathematical growth during this time, we are also responsible for providing them with a variety of rich cultural lessons and experiences.

It is important to note that children develop a sense of moral justice at this time.  They are very concerned with what is fair, and creating the rules to a new game is often as important (if not more so) than playing the actual game itself.

This is the period of time in which children are striving for intellectual independence.

The Third Plane: 12-18

The third plane of development encompasses the adolescent years.  During the second plane, children become aware of social connections, but in the third plane they are critical.  During this time children rely heavily on their relationships with their peers.  They feel a strong desire to remain independent from adults, although they are not quite ready to do this entirely.  It is our job to find ways that allow them to experiment with independence while also providing a safe structure in which they may do so.

Children in the third plane tend to require more sleep, and they sleep later than when they were younger.  They long for authentic learning experiences, and Dr. Montessori imagined just that.  Her ideas of Erdkinder (children of the earth) led her to contemplate a school setting that would support children’s development during this time.  She imagined a farm school, in which children would work to keep the farm operational, but also contribute to planning and decision making while doing so.

During the third plane children are refining their moral compass while developing a stronger sense of responsibility.

The Fourth Plane: 18-24

The final plane is a time in which young adults are striving for financial independence.  They are often living away from home for the first time, and use this time to figure out where they fit into their society.  Many make choices to further their education and/or explore career paths.

It is during the fourth plane that people begin to develop a truer sense of who they are as individuals.

Each plane of development should be mindfully nurtured.  If a child is able to experience one developmental phase in a rich and carefully prepared environment, they are ready to fully take on the next phase when it is time.